built you a home in my heart
by lolainslacks
Summary: Blair Waldorf still dreams of going to Yale on her worst days.


_"Want to start over, want to be winning_

_Way out of sync from the beginning."_

_**-Slow Show; The National**_

Blair Waldorf still dreams of going to Yale on her worst days.

It's her darkest thoughts slipping through the cracks, there as an ever-present reminder that she's not good enough, not smart enough, didn't try hard enough (overandoverand…).

It's getting easier to shake it off, though. She has other things now, things that matter more: a fiancé; her unborn child_._

(Blair tries her hardest to overlook the fact that in her wickedest moments, she still thinks she'd change anything, give up everything, for one more chance to go back and change it all.)

-o-

She doesn't get married in November.

Louis never shows up at the altar; she finds out later there was some girl back home and there was history and he could never really leave her behind. She thinks briefly of Chuck when she hears, because it could've just as easily been her but it wasn't and she thinks that might be growth. She shakes it off because that's what she does now and she's getting good at it (better).

It doesn't hurt as much as it should.

Her mother flails around her, wailing loudly because 'what on earth is she supposed to do now, her very own daughter pregnant out of wedlock and now single?' and Blair does her best to calm her and cries on Serena's shoulder at the end of the day because it still hurts more than she can bear.

She finds an apartment on the Lower West Side with Serena and for the first time in her life she's glad to be away from all of the drama. Serena takes her to birthing classes and doctor's appointments and brings her iced tea when she gets too big and it's too hot to move. They design the nursery together when they find out it's going to be a girl and go through baby names together and child-proof the apartment and the whole time Blair can't stop laughing and laughing. They sleep in the same four-poster bed Blair had dismantled and brought to the apartment that was in her childhood bedroom and at night they whisper to each other across the darkness and clasp each other's hands for reassurance because everything feels like it's so much bigger than them now, like the world that stood at their feet's been swept out from under them. Serena strokes Blair's hair when she tells her she's worried she won't be a good mother, whispers back that she knows for a fact Blair's going to be wonderful at it like everything she does and Blair doesn't feel half as lonely as she used to.

Serena's the one there, holding her hand when she gives birth to her daughter, tiny and crying and pink.

"Celia." Blair whispers as the baby's placed in her arms for the first time, salty tears dripping onto the blanket wrapped around her.

Serena reaches over to clasp Blair's other hand and Blair looks up at her and then back to Celia, all three of them crying and thinks she wouldn't want anyone else in the world by her side right now.

-o-

Serena stays after Celia's born, takes her home from the hospital and helps out with the changing and the formula and all of it. It's hard work, harder than Blair would've imagined and she almost wants to tell Serena it's okay if she wants to leave, she would understand, but honestly, she's too scared of what might happen if she did.

Dan comes to visit sometimes too, coos over Celia and takes her on walks in Central Park with Serena and spends more time at their apartment than Blair would probably deem normal. After a few weeks of pointed glances between them she catches from the corner of her eye, and running into Dan at 3am to find him coaxing Celia back to sleep when she thought he'd gone home already, Blair snaps and asks them what the deal is. Serena caves and tells her they're back together, says sorry she didn't tell her sooner, it was just with the baby and everything.., and Blair just laughs and hugs them both and jokes that they better make sure they don't screw it up this time.

"She's going to be a writer, I can see it already." Dan teases one night as they're in the kitchen getting dinner ready. Serena's in the living room with Celia, talking to her in French because her nanny used to do it with her and she swears it makes babies smarter.

Blair puts on an expression of faux-outrage and tells him no daughter of hers would strive to have such a miserable and unfulfilling career. She leans over to nudge his arm lightly though and when he looks up at her he's grinning.

"Whatever she does," Dan tells her, quieter this time, "she's going to be wonderful."

Blair looks down at her hands resting lightly on the countertop, soft smile playing on her lips, "I know."

-o-

On her worst days, Blair still dreams of going to Yale. It's getting easier to shake it off now.


End file.
